Courtesy of MGM

I'm sitting in a dark theater watching the new film "Overboard," a remake nobody wanted, and I take the note: "Will I ever laugh?" and then proceeded to transcribe: "This movie is roughly two hours, help me." I don't think I'd have the time or the complexity to describe just how painful this film is. Even in the most wretched, cataclysmic abyss of bad movies, usually, there's something redeemable or worth noting.

Not in "Overboard."

Unlike the original, which starred Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, there's no chemistry between the two leads, all the laughs fall painstakingly flat, and every single character in this movie is a moron or an ethnic stereotype. Nevermind the cockamamie plot, which deals with a richy rich playboy named Leonardo (played by Eugenio Derbez - who's had success with his international audience, but yet to make a splash in the U.S.) falling and, I think, clunking his head which then results in amnesia.

I say I think because the film never shows what happens. He falls into the water, the film cuts to black, and next thing we know he's waking up on the beach confused. Since when did falling into water cause retrograde amnesia? This sets up the rest of the film: as Kate (played by Anna Faris) exploits his memory loss for her own gain. Earlier in the film, the two have a spat - she's a carpet cleaning lady assigned to his boat and he refuses to pay her because, well, she won't get him a mango - and we find out that Kate is studying to become a nurse. She sees this doofus's newfound condition as a cash crop: he can work on the side doing construction and bring home an extra paycheck, while she studies for her exam (which she's already failed once.) Kate even gets the kids in on the action, and the entire town apparently, and none of them seem to care they're using him.

My first thought was, ‘even if I didn't have amnesia - why would you subject yourself to a life of indentured servitude?’ Being married to a woman who constantly barks at you to do chores, works you to the bone, and then forcing you to sleep in a shed outside (he has to use empty orange juice containers as a bathroom). That's a bad marriage, with nothing to get in return. Part of me thinks, and this is probably a question this movie never thought to ask, why bother? He even states at one point "I don't think I've ever worked in construction,"- see, the dude knows something is off - but the blonde girl who says we're married insists I worked in construction, so, well, I believe her. You’d think he would do a tad more investigating (considering he is the son of a wealthy businessmen, he would be on national news.) But clearly, this man doesn't think for himself, and as my mind wondered more on this theory, I just kept getting more frustrated.

Derbez, I'm told, is a good actor, but watching "Overboard" didn't convince me of that. In fact, I sat duped, wondering how a man whose billed with such credentials was crashing so hard in front of my eyes. For an actor that seems to want to combat stereotypes of Mexicans portrayed in cinema, here he reminds you why they exist in the first place. In addition, he has no chemistry with co-star Faris, to the point where it's like nails on a chalkboard, and director Rob Greenberg forces the romance at every waking moment, and each time I cringed.

Of course, there's more and more I could drown on about - like, for example, how come hospitals just release patients to someone claiming to be their wife without any real security procedures? And why is there an idiotic subplot that has to deal with Leonardo's father selling the family business? It doesn’t add anything crucial to the movie. Also, why would anyone like Leonardo? He's such a jerk - but I’ll save you the time and not go any further.

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The less that's said about all the inconsistencies, and horrible plot gaps the better. What I will say is that "Overboard" now joins an elite club of mine: the worst movies of all time. A category that includes the likes of: "The Last Airbender," "Dark Harvest 2," and "Left Behind."

Please be safe, and avoid jumping into these dark and depressing waters.

Grade: F